Confessions of St. Augustine · of Hippo Augustine
BOOK VIII
(Augustine’s thirty-second year.) (i) 1. O my God, let me, with thanksgiving, remember, and confess unto Thee Thy mercies on me.... I had ceased to doubt that there was an incorruptible substance, whence was all other substance; nor did I now desire to be more certain of Thee, but more steadfast in Thee. But for my temporal life, all was wavering, and _my heart had to be purged from the old leaven. The Way_, the Savior Himself, well pleased me, but as yet I shrunk from going, through its straitness.... (The story of the conversion of one Victorinus influences him strongly, and he “longs to devote himself entirely to God, but is mastered by his old habits.”) (iii) 6. Good God! what takes place in man, that he should more rejoice at the salvation of a soul despaired of, and freed from greater peril, than if there had always been hope of him, or the danger had been less? For so Thou also, merciful Father, _dost more rejoice over one penitent, than over ninety-nine just persons, that need no repentance_. And with much joyfulness do we hear, so often as we hear with what joy _the sheep which had strayed is brought back upon the shepherd’s shoulder_, ... and the joy of the solemn service of Thy house forceth to tears, when in Thy house it is read of Thy _younger son, that he was dead, and lived again; had been lost, and is found_....
11. Thus I understood, by my own experience, what I had read, how _the flesh lusteth against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh_.... I, still under service to the earth, refused to fight under Thy banner, and feared as much to be freed of all incumbrances, as we should fear to be encumbered with it. Thus with the baggage of this present world was I held down pleasantly, as in sleep: and the thoughts wherein I meditated on Thee were like the efforts of such as would awake, who yet overcome with a heavy drowsiness are again drenched therein. And as no one would sleep forever, and in all men’s sober judgment, waking is better, yet a man for the most part, feeling a heavy lethargy in all his limbs, defers to shake off sleep, and, though half displeased, yet, even after it is time to rise, with pleasure yields to it, so was I assured that much better were it for me to give myself up to Thy charity, than to give myself over to mine own cupidity; but though the former course satisfied me and gained the mastery, the latter pleased me and held me mastered.... _Who then should deliver me thus wretched from the body of this death, but Thy grace only, through Jesus Christ our Lord?_
(Alypius and Nebridius, friends of Augustine, are now with him at Milan. Alypius and another friend relate of Antony, the Egyptian monk, and of how two courtiers were converted by his influence. This rouses Augustine and stirs him deeply.) (vii) 16. Thou, O Lord, didst turn me round towards myself, taking me from behind my back, where I had placed me, unwilling to observe myself; and setting me before my face, that I might see how foul I was, how crooked and defiled, bespotted and ulcerous. And I beheld and stood aghast; and whither to flee from myself I found not. And if I sought to turn mine eye from off myself, Thou again didst set me over against myself, and thrustedst me before my eyes, that _I might find out mine iniquity, and hate it_. I had known it, but made as though I saw it not, winked at it, and forgot it. 18. ... What said I not against myself? with what scourges of condemnation lashed I not my soul, that it might follow me, striving to go after Thee! Yet it drew back; refused, but excused not itself. All arguments were spent and confuted; there remained a mute shrinking; and she feared, as she would death, to be restrained from the flux of that custom whereby she was wasting to death.
29. So was I speaking, and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart, when, lo! I heard from a neighboring house a voice, as of boy or girl, I know not, chanting, and oft repeating, “Take up and read; Take up and read.” Instantly, my countenance altered, I began to think most intently, whether children were wont in any kind of play to sing such words: nor could I remember ever to have heard the like. So checking the torrent of my tears, I arose; interpreting it to be no other than a command from God, to open the book, and read the first chapter I should find. For I had heard of Antony, that coming in during the reading of the Gospel, he received the admonition as if what was being read was spoken to him; _Go, sell all that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven, and come and follow me_. And by such oracle he was forthwith converted unto Thee. Eagerly then I returned to the place where Alypius was sitting; for there had I laid the volume of the Apostle, when I arose thence. I seized, opened, and in silence read that section, on which my eyes first fell: _Not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying: but put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh_,[3] in concupiscence. No further would I read; nor need I: for instantly at the end of this sentence, by a light as it were of serenity infused into my heart, all the darkness of doubt vanished away.
30. Then putting my finger between, or some other mark, I shut the volume, and with a calmed countenance made it known to Alypius. And what was wrought in him, which I knew not, he thus showed me. He asked to see what I had read: I showed him; and he looked even further than I had read, and I knew not what followed. This followed, _him that is weak in the faith, receive_; which he applied to himself, and disclosed to me. And by this admonition was he strengthened; and by a good resolution and purpose, and most corresponding to his character, wherein he did always very far differ from me, for the better, without any turbulent delay he joined me. Thence we go into my mother; we tell her; she rejoiceth: we relate in order how it took place; she leaps for joy, and triumpheth, and blesseth Thee, _Who art able to do above that which we ask or think_; for she perceived that Thou hadst given her more for me, than she was wont to beg by her pitiful and most sorrowful groanings. For Thou convertedst me unto Thyself, so that I sought neither wife, nor any hope of this world, standing in that rule of faith where Thou hadst showed me unto her in a vision, so many years before. And Thou didst _convert her mourning into joy_, much more plentiful than she had desired, and in a much more precious and purer way than she erst required, by having grandchildren of my body. Footnote 3: Romans xiii, 13-14.
Text from Project Gutenberg, public domain in the United States.