The Merry Wives of Windsor The Works of William Shakespeare [Cambridge Edition] [9 vols.] · William Shakespeare
SCENE I. _Windsor. Before PAGE’S house._
_Evans._ Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts. _Shal._ Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there? _Evans._ Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do 60 despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, I beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master Page. [_Knocks_] What, hoa! Got pless your house here! _Page._ [_Within_] Who’s there? 65 _Enter PAGE._ _Evans._ Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your likings. _Page._ I am glad to see your worships well. I thank 70 you for my venison, Master Shallow. _Shal._ Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it your good heart! I wished your venison better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?--and I thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart. 75 _Page._ Sir, I thank you. _Shal._ Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do. _Page._ I am glad to see you, good Master Slender. _Slen._ How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he was outrun on Cotsall. 80 _Page._ It could not be judged, sir.
_Slen._ You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess. _Shal._ That he will not. ’Tis your fault, ’tis your fault; ’tis a good dog. _Page._ A cur, sir. 85 _Shal._ Sir, he’s a good dog, and a fair dog: can there be more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here? _Page._ Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you. _Evans._ It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak. 90 _Shal._ He hath wronged me, Master Page. _Page._ Sir, he doth in some sort confess it. _Shal._ If it be confessed, it is not redressed: is not that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he hath; at a word, he hath, believe me: Robert Shallow, esquire, 95 saith, he is wronged. _Page._ Here comes Sir John. _Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL._ _Fal._ Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me to the king? _Shal._ Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my 100 deer, and broke open my lodge. _Fal._ But not kissed your keeper’s daughter? _Shal._ Tut, a pin! this shall be answered. _Fal._ I will answer it straight; I have done all this. That is now answered. 105 _Shal._ The council shall know this. _Fal._ ’Twere better for you if it were known in counsel: you’ll be laughed at.
_Evans._ Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts. _Fal._ Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke 110 your head: what matter have you against me? _Slen._ Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. _Bard._ You Banbury cheese! 115 _Slen._ Ay, it is no matter. _Pist._ How now, Mephostophilus! _Slen._ Ay, it is no matter. _Nym._ Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that’s my humour. 120 _Slen._ Where’s Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin? _Evans._ Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is 125 myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter. _Page._ We three, to hear it and end it between them. _Evans._ Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause 130 with as great discreetly as we can. _Fal._ Pistol! _Pist._ He hears with ears. _Evans._ The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, ’He hears with ear’? why, it is affectations. 135 _Fal._ Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse? _Slen._ Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else, of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece of 140 Yead Miller, by these gloves.
_Fal._ Is this true, Pistol? _Evans._ No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse. _Pist._ Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and master mine, 145 I combat challenge of this latten bilbo. Word of denial in thy labras here! Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest! _Slen._ By these gloves, then, ’twas he. _Nym._ Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will 150 say ‘marry trap’ with you, if you run the nuthook’s humour on me; that is the very note of it. _Slen._ By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass. 155 _Fal._ What say you, Scarlet and John? _Bard._ Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences. _Evans._ It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is! _Bard._ And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; 160 and so conclusions passed the careires. _Slen._ Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but ’tis no matter: I’ll ne’er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick: if I be drunk, I’ll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not 165 with drunken knaves.
_Evans._ So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind. _Fal._ You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it. _Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following._ _Page._ Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we’ll drink 170 within. [_Exit Anne Page._ _Slen._ O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page. _Page._ How now, Mistress Ford! _Fal._ Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met: by your leave, good mistress. [_Kisses her._ 175 _Page._ Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness. [_Exeunt all except Shal., Slen., and Evans._ _Slen._ I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets here. 180 _Enter SIMPLE._ How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you, have you? _Sim._ Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight afore 185 Michaelmas? _Shal._ Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as ’twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me? 190 _Slen._ Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I shall do that that is reason.
_Shal._ Nay, but understand me. _Slen._ So I do, sir. _Evans._ Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will 195 description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it. _Slen._ Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray you, pardon me; he’s a justice of peace in his country, simple though I stand here. _Evans._ But that is not the question: the question is 200 concerning your marriage. _Shal._ Ay, there’s the point, sir. _Evans._ Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page. _Slen._ Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable 205 demands. _Evans._ But can you affection the ’oman? Let us command to know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the 210 maid? _Shal._ Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her? _Slen._ I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason. _Evans._ Nay, Got’s lords and his ladies! you must 215 speak possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards her. _Shal._ That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her? _Slen._ I will do a greater thing than that, upon your 220 request, cousin, in any reason.
_Shal._ Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid? _Slen._ I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease 225 it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and have more occasion to know one another; I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt: but if you say, ‘Marry her,’ I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely. _Evans._ It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is in 230 the ort ‘dissolutely:’ the ort is, according to our meaning, ‘resolutely:’ his meaning is good. _Shal._ Ay, I think my cousin meant well. _Slen._ Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la! _Shal._ Here comes fair Mistress Anne. 235 _Re-enter ANNE PAGE._ Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne! _Anne._ The dinner is on the table; my father desires your worships’ company. _Shal._ I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne. _Evans._ Od’s plessed will! I will not be absence at the 240 grace. [_Exeunt Shallow and Evans._ _Anne._ Will’t please your worship to come in, sir? _Slen._ No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well. _Anne._ The dinner attends you, sir. 245 _Slen._ I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow. [_Exit Simple._] A justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead: but 250 what though? yet I live like a poor gentleman born.
_Anne._ I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come. _Slen._ I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though I did. 255 _Anne._ I pray you, sir, walk in. _Slen._ I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th’ other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot 260 meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? be there bears i’ the town? _Anne._ I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of. _Slen._ I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you 265 see the bear loose, are you not? _Anne._ Ay, indeed, sir. _Slen._ That’s meat and drink to me, now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so cried and 270 shrieked at it, that it passed: but women, indeed, cannot abide ’em; they are very ill-favoured rough things. _Re-enter PAGE._ _Page._ Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you. _Slen._ I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir. 275 _Page._ By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come. _Slen._ Nay, pray you, lead the way. _Page._ Come on, sir. _Slen._ Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first. 280 _Anne._ Not I, sir; pray you, keep on. _Slen._ Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do you that wrong. _Anne._ I pray you, sir. _Slen._ I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. 285 You do yourself wrong, indeed, la! [_Exeunt._
Ideas discussed in this chapter
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